kesh decides to die


on 02.09.2009

if i remember correctly..
i already had a post last week drafted somewhere..
but i’m too tired to look for it..
and i really don’t care anymore how i felt on those days..
coz right now..
if i were to view my life as a whole..
it would be divided in two parts..
the day before papa died..
and the one when he did..

on the first part..
life was too fast..
i remember when i was in first year college..
i wished sana third year na ko..
and then nung third year i wished fifth year na ko..
and with almost like a blink of an eye..
i realized i was working already..
life before was like a joke..
or like a game..
nothing was taken too seriously..
you live day by day as if nothing’s gonna change..
as if everything’s gonna be okay as long as you live by the way you should live..
the last scenes of this part was me chatting with my sister..
nag-aalala sya kay papa..
susunduin daw nila sa cavite..
i thought of coming along..
pero naisip ko sa bahay nalang antayin si papa..

and then the second part was the night that changed my life..
we were waiting for papa to arrive..
it was a usual night..
i go home from work..
go online..
watch anything..
and wait till i feel sleepy..
i can’t remember the exact time..
when my sister called me..
asa ICU si papa..
i was worried..
i got nervous..
but not too worried..
or too nervous..
tho papa has never been in ICU..
i didn’t thought it was too serious..
ano nga ba ang ICU?
i can’t even imagine how it looks like..
pupunta dapat kami ni keith around 9pm..
pero ayaw nila ate kasi delikado daw..
and they also hinted na baka iuwi daw si papa sa manila..
at ilipat ng hospital..
i wasn’t very worried..
around 11pm..
ate called and told me papa wasn’t stable enough to be transferred..
then we went to cavite..
papa’s older sister insisted to go inside the ICU..
i sneaked a little..
saw him..
and told ate..
“parang ok ok naman na kulay nya..”
coz it was papa’s usual color..
he was hardly breathing..
pero knowing papa..
he’s very strong and i believed he can pull anything through..
even that..
we waited for test results..
walang kwenta yung facilities ng hospital..
wala silang pantest so yung iba dinala pa nila ate sa la salle dasma para matest..
then after some time..
there was nothing left to do but to wait..
and plan what to do next..
umuwi sila mama so they can attend to papa the next morning..
me.. ate.. her husband and keith were left at the hospital..
it was torture..
ang alam ko kasi kapag nagbeebeep yung machine na nakakabit kay papa..
nawawalan sya ng heartbeat..
and parang every 2 minutes nagbee beep sya..
at twing nagbee beep yun..
all i did was to pray..
i was online the whole night talking to my sister..
updating her..
even sa beep ng machines na nakakabit kay papa..
i told her everything..
around 7am ate and her husband left to go home so they can attend to papa the next evening..
me and keith were left..
it was around 8am na pwede bumisita ng ICU..
i went inside..
saw him in a very weak heartbreaking state..
i wasn’t sure if papa was asleep..
so i asked the nurse..
then she shouted “tay!”
parang nagulat si papa..
i thought he was resting so di ko na ginising..
all i did was hold his hands..
and pray silently..
then i went outside as fast as i could para makaiyak..
i meant to stay longer pero i’ve never seen him so fragile..
it didn’t occur to me that he could possibly die until that moment..
and the thought of losing him is something very unimaginable..
and just after for few hours..
the doctor said they gave papa the last medication..
if di pa daw bumalik sa normal yung heartbeat ni papa..
wala na daw talaga..
i’ve never pleaded god more than i did that moment..
i actually couldn’t plead more..
i was willing to trade my life..
naisip ko nga kung kelangan ng heart transplant ni papa..
i’m willing to give mine..
kaso yeah i know..
baka saksakin ako ni mama pag sinabi ko yun..
i’ve never felt so powerless..
and at that moment..
there was really no one to turn to but god..
there was nothing to expect but divine intervention..
no one to depend on but Him..
and up to the last second..
i expected a miracle would happen..
i was crying inside another room when they called mama and broke the news..
mama went out of the ICU crying..
hindi pa man nya sinasabi..
alam ko na..
i’ve never seen her so hurt..
reality bites..
truth hurts..
papa died at 2:35pm..
all i can do for mama was to hug her..
i can’t fight the hurt.. the fear away..
or even the guilt she might be feeling kasi hinayaan nya umalis si papa..
i went inside the ICU..
andun parin yung body ni papa..
all the guilt can eat me alive..
pero there’s no room for it..
i have to be strong..
we have to be strong..
isipin ko mang sana ganito..
sana ganun..
pero hindi naman ganun yung nangyari..
hindi naman ganun ang ginawa ko..
i have to face the reality..
feel it slap the truth on my face..
and live by it..
coz there’s really no other way but to deal with it..

and just few hours ago..
nilibing namin si papa..
i feel incomplete..
and a big part of me has died along with him..
mamimiss ko yung bigla syang kakatok sa kwarto ko me dala dalang gulaman..
or shake..
or burger..
yung gigisingin nya ko ng maaga kasi me breakfast ako na mais..
yung papasok sya ng bahay na pagod na pagod pero nakangiti na me pasalubong na siopao para sakin..
yung uuwi kami ng magkaholding hands..
yung ngisi nya sa twing pinapagalitan ko mga pamangkin ko..
yung sermon nya sa twing late ako..
yung sita nya pag namamayat ako..
ang dami daming parte pa ng buhay ko na gusto ko andun sya..
pero wala na naman na ako magagawa kasi wala na sya..

now all the hurt i felt before feels ridiculous..
all the heartaches na feeling mo end of the world na..
or simple fight with friends na parang big deal na..
it’s all like a big stupid joke..

siguro ngayon..
hindi ko pa mafeel yung gravity ng nangyari..
and the whole family is here..
i don’t know what to expect the day na umalis na uli sila..
at bumalik kami sa kanya kanyang buhay..
i wish mama would agree to visit davao for the meantime..
it’s hurtful for us na mawala si papa..
hindi ko maimagine kung panong mas lalo pa sa kanya..
i pray for her more than to anybody else in the family..
i wish for her peace more than to anybody..

“The true God is for us a God of saving acts; And to Jehovah the Sovereign Lord belong the ways out from death.”
– Psalm 68:20


2 responses to “departed.

  1. aeyjhay says:

    be strong boo… kaya mo yan… we’ll pray for you and your family… basta if you need someone, I’m always here… take care… love you.

  2. kesh says:

    thanks boo..

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